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TV comedians summarized Pete Hegseth's unprecedented mandatory meeting for US generals in Virginia, where he attacked "out-of-shape military members."

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert started Tuesday's program with a timer to a federal closure, which would eliminate numerous essential services and leave many out of work. But not everyone – Colbert pointed out that people considered essential workers, such as air traffic controllers or TSA agents, must stay on the job, even if it means working without pay. "Ideal for anyone who’s ever said ‘I just wish this TSA worker searching me was also frustrated,’" Colbert quipped.

He then turned to "the darker" story of the evening: Pete Hegseth calling together top generals at Quantico for an odd address in which Colbert referred to the defense secretary as a "complete jerk."

Hegseth declared "freedom day" for America’s "fighters" who "fight enemies for a living."

"I’ll say it: the Democrats have got to turn down the temperature on their violent rhetoric," Colbert remarked.

Hegseth also said there would be "no more climate change worship. No further distractions or confusion. No more debris. As I’ve said before and will say again, we are finished with this rubbish."

"Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear," Colbert teased. "He's so impressive! You know, I hear he has like a stack of magazines under his mattress."

Hegseth encouraged the generals to "speak plainly in plain English, to point out the clear issues right in front of us."

Colbert then remarked on the obvious: "OK, you suck monkey butt."

Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel also mentioned the government shutdown on Tuesday night. "Democrats seek ongoing healthcare funding, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago," he explained. "Trump warns of permanent reductions if there’s a shutdown."

"I was recently the victim of a government shutdown – they are reversible, I will tell you that," he added.

Kimmel then made fun of Hegseth's required assembly with generals in Virginia. "Senior officers were recalled in Portland and Washington, DC and called to Quantico for a pep talk with Pete," he said before a clip of Hegseth bragging: "if our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the force and accuracy of the war department. In other words, to our enemies: FAFO."

"He's remarkable," Kimmel said flatly. "What an address. Usually when a large crowd gather in one room for Pete Hegseth, it’s an intervention."

"It was a harsh session," as Hegseth said he’d do away with DEI initiatives in the military, as well as "men in women's clothing" and "fat troops."

"It’s completely unacceptable to see fat admirals and generals in the halls of the Pentagon and overseeing operations around the country and the world," Hegseth said. "It’s a bad look."

Kimmel responded with a clip of Trump lumbering about. "It's ironic Trump advises on health," he laughed. "That's like the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know what is."

The Daily Show

On the comedy program, Ronny Chieng also poked fun at Hegseth's ominous mandatory meeting with US generals. "We all act strangely sometimes," he joked. "Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every US general to a meeting at Quantico."

Chieng then played clips from Hegseth's tirade against "overweight military personnel," which he called a "poor image."

"You gathered generals for this? To tell them they’re fat?" he asked. "Why not comment online? Like ‘hey, congrats general, when are you due?’"

"He shares confidential info, but when it comes to body shaming, he’s like ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces.’"

"I understand fitness is important," Chieng continued. "However, regarding larger leaders, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be in playing shape, they just have to be suitable to date a 24-year-old," he said next to a photo of Bill Belichick and his girlfriend.

Hegseth also said he’d ban beards or long hair. "According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a dating app – no overweight, no beards and get those ladies the fuck out of my sight," Chieng quipped.

Late Night Host

And on his show, Seth Meyers summarized Trump’s meeting with the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, at the White House on Monday, where he told reporters that he’s very confident he could rapidly secure a peace deal in Gaza. "Dude, you said within 24 hours nine months ago, ‘quickly’ is no longer in the cards," Meyers laughed. "That’s like James Cameron saying ‘Avatar 4 is coming quickly.’"

"From someone who failed in Portland," he joked, referring to Trump sending military personnel to Portland for no reason.

Trump also told a news outlet that he would suspect that the federal agency is investigating the former FBI director, Christopher Wray, "then he winked aggressively," Meyers quipped.