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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.